”A woman carries her inner life—lugs it around or holds it in fumes that both poison and bless her—while nourishing another’s inner life, many others actually, while never revealing too much madness, or, possibly, never revealing where she stores it: her island of lost mind.”
I was recently described as bizarre by this guy who I have met or rather have had coffee with three times, I think. I mean we obviously had interactions apart from the time when we met up for coffee.
But, to be called bizarre. There’s a first time for everything I guess. I shared this information with another person that I have recently met – and his response after the shock was, maybe you are working towards being bizarre. He asked it as a question and I am still struggling to find the answer to it.
How does one work towards being described as bizarre?
I have been called different, I have been called too set in my ways and thoughts, and that tall girl with a beautiful smile, but never in wildest dreams would I think I was or could be described as bizarre.
And that has kinda stayed with me. I mean its not playing on a loop in my head, but its there; popping up like that annoying ad jingle that plays almost on every radio channel that you switch to avoid it.
I have never thought of myself as bizarre. Never even worked towards being described as bizarre.
What behaviour tick of mine prompted this smug bastard (he doesn’t know I had named him that since before the introductions happened. He kinda sorta deserves it after description, I feel. I am being cheeky :-p
Initially I gave him the benefit of doubt, considering I don’t really know whether he is being sarcastic or you know blunt. My other friend, also had a similar reaction, “why would he call you that. It has a very negative connotation to it.” I don’t know I replied whilst thinking about that conversation. “Maybe he didn’t mean it in that meaning of it, I reasoned. Another friend, most positively brimming with hope responded with a resounding NO on being told the above description of her new friend. “You are quirky, I’ll give you that. But that doesn’t make you bizarre. He didn’t mean it in a negative manner.
In what way did he mean it? Why do I have this inane need to breakdown every word uttered in a conversation where two people after a lot of exhaustive re-scheduling of meetings, misunderstood gestures of societal protocols, finally managed to make introductions, exchange numbers and make plans to meet.
I should be happy, grateful even, that after months of exchanging glances, I finally made the move; I got tired of waiting for him to make the move, and we met.
I might be like brand new information for him. It takes a while to digest something that you would have never expected to hear or see.
I’d appreciate either ways if I knew that that does not change how he feels about me. It wouldn’t matter to as much as it does not when I am currently unaware of his feelings about me. And I like to know, its one my personality quirks. It works both ways; mostly to my fruition and rarely to my futility.
It makes it easier to make a decision.
You could argue as to why I am giving so much power to a sort of stranger over your very well determined personality. Because I am vulnerable to him, and it felt good to be open to someone after a very long time. To have your actions laid bare to them, with so many doubts running through your head and they don’t know you. They don’t know that the reason for your perceived bizarre behaviour is nervousness, shy sometimes mixed with your animated, emotional and often way to expressive personality determined by your mood and on days when there is no yoga, determined by your coffee intake.
Sure they could be mistaken. We would never know until we hear from the SB again. And we don’t know when that would be.
But till then, the centre can’t hold and honestly Joan Didion is the woman of my words and I wish I had known about her sooner than now.
And you know what SB, we are all here doing our best and having fun while at it.
51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
52) What is your astrological sign?
53) Do you save money or spend it?
I take turns.
54) What’s the last thing you purchased?
55) Love or lust?
56) In a relationship?
57) How many relationships have you had?
58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
59) Where were you yesterday?
At home, bunking work.
60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes. The frame of my dressing table is pink.
61) Are you wearing socks right now?
62) What’s your favorite animal?
63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
I don’t know – I just am usually myself.
64) Where is your best friend?
65) Spit or swallow?
66) What is your heritage?
I don’t understand the question.
67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Watching The Godfather.
68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?
69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Try and save the dog. The Boss is not a cold hearted person. But, to be on the safe side, have a recording ready of my rescue.
72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a) Tell only those who need to know. b) Honestly, live it like before I heard the news. c) Nope.
73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.
74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Baby by Justin Bieber. I don’t know if it is pre-pubescent voice or the teeny poppy music, it just makes me happy.
75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Loyalty and trust and respect.
77) How can I win your heart?
The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful. And being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you. It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less. So don’t buy it. Be smart. Be thoughtful. And be generous.
78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Vincent Van Gogh.
79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
Hmmm… Growing up.
80) What size shoes do you wear?
81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
Will be cremated.
82) What is your favorite word?
83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
Ed Sheeran. IDK.
84) What is a saying you say a lot?
Swear words are involved.
85) What’s the last song you listened to?
I Did Something Bad by Taylor Swift.
86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?
Pastels and white.
87) What is your current desktop picture?
88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
I’d go to jail if typed his name.
89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
Are you happy being single?
90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Run. I have watched the Mummy series. I am not waiting around for them to come alive.
91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
Apparate. (Harry Potter)
92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The past is the past.
93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Maybe a college experience.
94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
96) Do you have any relatives in jail?
97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Never. Always got out and threw up.
98) Ever been on a plane?
99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Can we all just take a joke.
100) Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.
I am not on Tumblr.
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
Nothin’ Like This by The Phantoms; King Of My Heart by Taylor Swift ; Stay, Stay, Stay by Taylor Swift; Waste A Moment by Kings Of Leon; Come Back… Be Here by Taylor Swift; Aah Jane Ki Zidd Na Karo from Ae Dil Hain Mushkil, Wonderland by Taylor Swift.
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Tom Hiddleston – I need to know if he really is as nice as he is portrayed in the media.
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
It didn’t have a line 17. 😐
4) What do you think about most?
What tomorrow holds for me.
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
“hahahaha… you Slytherin you”
6) Do you sleep with ____ or without ______ on?
7) What’s your strangest talent?
I can crack my ankle bones in both legs (like how one would crack ones knuckles)
8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)
Girls are a conundrum and Boys are boys
9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Yes. In college. He even recorded the song and gave it to me on a cd to listen to it. It was titled “Mosh Into You”
10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I don’t play the air guitar. I am more of ‘dance away like Mer and Christina’
11) Do you have any strange phobias?
12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
A nose pin was stuck – I had to let a strangers fingers up in there to extract it out.
13) What’s your religion?
14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Walking, listening to music, admiring trees, and pretending that my life is a rom-com movie.
15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
17) What was the last lie you told?
That I am not sad that my crush hasn’t reciprocated my feelings.
18) Do you believe in karma?
19) What does your URL mean?
Defines my life.
20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
21) Who is your celebrity crush?
22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
23) How do you vent your anger?
Lately, my reasoning it out in my head.
24) Do you have a collection of anything?
BOOKS. And TV Shows before Netflix.
25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Let’s text please.
26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
Oh God! The would depend on my mood. If its good – every sound is blocked out, if not, every sound is magnified a million times over.
28) What’s your biggest “what if”?
I don’t think I have what if’s. I like to know, so I either get the answer or a really good embarrassing story to tell later to my friends.
29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
My bedsheet with the right and with he left the wall of my bedroom.
31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
The distinct smell that comes from air conditioner units.
32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
It is suppressed memory. Let’s not bring it up again.
33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?
In an Indian context – West Coast!
34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Chris Martin of Coldplay.
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
36) Define Art.
It makes you feel.
37) Do you believe in luck?
38) What’s the weather like right now?
There is a nip in the air, and Mumbai doesn’t really get this weather that often.
39) What time is it?
40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
41) What was the last book you read?
Sophie Kinsella’s “You Have Got My Number”
42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Petrol? Yes. Love it.
43) Do you have any nicknames?
Yes. Three of them. Or more.
44) What was the last movie you saw?
The Godfather – and OMG.
45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
Torn ligament; got it the night I won an award at the company’s first ever award ceremony. Yay!
46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yes. It landed on my head and once on my jeans.
47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Finding the perfect book that suits my mood.
48) What’s your sexual orientation?
I like boys.
49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Yes. Some true, mostly all false.
50) Do you believe in magic?
Today marked the first day of my challenge to listen more and talk less when conversing and/or interacting with people.
At present, conversations are more about answering the question than actually listening to the question. This, I would like to believe occurs, because as anxiety driven people or just generally people, we have become cynical with conversation. We know everyone is talking to us for a reason and not to actually have a conversation.
So we prepare an answer, test out the words in our thoughts, plan out the enunciation of the syllable we’d like to stress on. It is all ready. We just need our marker.
And that is where we go wrong. We didn’t really have a conversation, did we? We just had a rapid Q&A exchange. How is that a conversation?
So this brings me back to my challenge of having a conversation, listening in. And listening in.
Did I succeed today? Yes. I’d like to believe I did. I attended a sushi workshop today at MUJI India store in Palladium, Mumbai, Let the chef spoke, because obviously. And let all the ladies who stood there talk above me, to me, etc. And I just listened.
At first I was a bit off, stemming my tongue seemed harder than I thought. But as time wore on, I realised that I had a clear idea of how to make a sushi roll, because I paid attention, did not interrupt the chef and just listened to his instructions; sometimes three times over.
The others struggled with their roll, but not me. Well, a little bit, but not as much as them. And, well I could put this down to my quick learning abilities, but I would also like to give credit to the fact that I listened.
Tomorrow, I try this out at work. I cannot wait.
Updates will follow to those who are reading this.
If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
I have a strained relationship with my expectations. It is bad enough to set me off into a anxiety attack about my future.
And I had one today. Rather an hour ago… My head hurt, my lips went numb, my eyes started watering, like I was crying and it felt like my throat had seized up. I called up my bestest of best friend. Because she is one I go to. She is my person.
I didn’t know how or when I worked myself into this frenzy, but I had. She told me to not think about what bought this attack on, but rather to just focus on her voice and take deep breaths and just look around my surroundings.
My mind was blank, empty. “That is perfect!,” she said. “I just want you to focus on my voice, take deep breaths. Nothing more. This right now, is all you need. And this is enough,” she continued.
In between those breaths, I figured out what bought about my frenzy. Expectations. Not mine. I don’t disappoint myself, embarrass myself, yes, but not disappoint. This expectations was pertaining to other people.
You must have seen the flaw immediately. Expecting from others is the surest way to disappoint yourself. And that is where ladies and gentleman, it went turtles all the way down.
I expected someone to behave in a manner that my actions towards them would elicit. Forgetting that while I may get to control my reactions, I cannot predict or control or in anyway influence someone else’s reaction (unless they happen to be serial killers and I am aware of their stressors – Mindhunter on Netflix has taught me a lot) to my action towards them.
I believed I did everything right, meaning I went by instinct. and yeah, sometimes that backfires fabulously (taupe is a colour between grey and brown) and sometimes it works.
This time, it didn’t. I worked myself into a frenzy. I don’t know what my future holds, and its scary right now. I feel like I missed out on reading How To Have My Life Sorted By Now. And even the number one best seller – How To Manage Your Expectation. Another classic, Sometimes Its Alright To Not Have All The Answers and its equally popular sequel, No. I Don’t Know The Answer To That Question And I Absolutely Fine With It.
I need to be able to believe that sometimes unanswered questions often lead to a path where there are no questions, just simply an acceptance of things, events, and people as they are and the relationships you develop with them at a pace where everyone is at peace with.
And that is when I will have all my answers.